5-year-old Doudou accidentally bumped into other children while playing on the slide, and her mother immediately raised her voice and reprimanded, "Why are you so careless?" Apologize! Doudou was stunned for two seconds, and suddenly squeezed out a smile and hugged his mother: "Mom, don't be angry, I must be careful next time!" Then, he turned around and handed his favorite toy to the child who was hit, without grievances and resistance throughout the whole process.
This scene made my heart tighten, and Doudou's reaction was very similar to the "pleasing personality" mentioned in psychology. Later, I chatted with Doudou's mother and learned that Doudou always took the initiative to make her happy every time she was yelled, and even secretly gave her pocket money to the classmates who bullied him, just because she was "afraid that others would be unhappy".
What is a people-pleasing personality?To put it simply, a child with a people-pleasing personality cares too much about the feelings of others and even sacrifices their own needs in exchange for approval. They are very good at looking at their parents' faces, and once they find that their parents are unhappy, they will immediately coax them in a well-behaved, compromising and even flattering way. If your child behaves like this after being yelled at, it means that he has a people-pleasing personality, and parents should pay attention.
The child apologizes in seconds after being yelled at, and coaxes you to be happy
Usually children will feel aggrieved and angry after being criticized, but children with a people-pleasing personality will immediately admit their mistakes and apologize to their parents, and even take the initiative to do housework and give gifts to calm their parents' anger. is like Doudou, who was obviously frightened himself, but he gave priority to taking care of his mother's emotions.
Suddenly become a "little adult" and be too well-behaved
Some children will suddenly be quiet after being yelled, no longer grinding their homework, not picky eaters, and even take the initiative to help take care of their younger siblings. It's not that they're sensible, it's that they trade "perfect performance" for a sense of security, for fear of making their parents angry again.
Hiding her tears and not daring to say "I want it"
I once saw a 7-year-old girl who, after being yelled at by her mother in public, forced her tears back and whispered, "I shouldn't cry, my mother doesn't like it." This type of child will suppress his true emotions and will not even dare to express "I want to buy a new pencil case".
If a child pleases others for a long time, what harm will it bring to the child?
Live as a "hollow person": always live for others, not knowing what you really like;
Fragile interpersonal relationships: easy to be bullied at school, afraid to fight for opportunities at work;
Emotional eruption: Long-term depression can trigger anxiety or depression.
So how do we pull our children out of the gratifier?First of all, we need to abandon the bad habit of yelling, when we want to get angry, take a deep breath for 10 seconds to calm ourselves down, and then give the child a big hug, and then solve the trouble with the child. Secondly, understand your child's inner thoughts and help him release his true inner needs. Thirdly, give children more opportunities to choose, such as letting children choose where to play and what to play on weekends.
When we put away our anger and look at our children's mistakes with an inclusive eye, they will understand: I don't have to be perfect to be loved. The child who is always pleasing the world, what he needs to hear most is: "Baby, you can cry if you are unhappy, you can refuse if you don't want to, and your mother will always stand with you."