In China, tens of millions of young people are silently experiencing one of the most unbearable pains – the death of their parents and the fact that they are not seen.
Young children are expected to be "strong" and "changeable", and prolonged immersion in grief is seen as abnormal, and it is inappropriate to talk openly about grief and have to hide it.
Li Yunjun
因为母亲的突然离世，90后的香港中文大学博士李昀鋆开始关注丧亲年轻人这个群体。
She spent 4 years, talking to 0 bereaved young people, and 0 years sorting out the manuscript and looking for publication possibilities, and finally, the book "Living with Grief" was "born" this year.
She found that young bereaved people not only experience emotional problems, but also face huge cognitive impact and identity changes.
Their grief will never cease because "grief is love, and you will grieve as long as you love someone".
Little Song and his mother when he was a child
2021年对小宋来说是人生的转折点。那年她22岁，即将大学毕业，因为疫情在家上网课。年初，她开始忙于本科毕业论文。3月，51岁的母亲确诊卵巢癌中期，医生预测只能再活两年。4月底，被抑郁症折磨5年的父亲自缢身亡，年仅53岁。
She never thought her father would leave in this way. "Although he has depression, his mother has a positive and cheerful personality and has always encouraged and enlightened his father, and I thought he would get better. But his mother's cancer hit his father too hard, causing his condition to suddenly worsen, and in the end he really couldn't hold on. ”
She was the first to find her father's body. "That afternoon he said he went out for a walk and didn't come back for a few hours, and I had a bad feeling at the time. I found him in the woods near my home, and the sight of the tightrope around his neck made me tingle. When the ambulance came, it told us that there was no way back. Later, the police cordoned off that area, and no one has taken it down so far, probably because it was unlucky. ”
Father's funeral
She has never experienced the death of an immediate family member, and before she had time to grieve, she was pushed forward in a daze: notifying relatives and friends one by one without telling her grandparents, going to the police station to record a statement, and holding a funeral...... After doing everything alone in three days, she had to rush back to her mother's bedside – the treatment plan needed her to decide, the chemotherapy needed her to accompany her, and her mother's emotions needed to be soothed.
To outsiders, she is strong and optimistic, and she arranges everything in order. "Actually, I started crying every day when I got up, crying until my brain was starved of oxygen, and I had a splitting headache, and then I took a painkiller, took a shower, cheered up, and went to the hospital to accompany my mother. ”
"At that time, I was still working on my graduation thesis, and I used to talk to my teachers on the phone in the noisy hallways of the inpatient department. Growing up, I felt that it was good to be an only child and to have the complete love of my parents, but at that moment I especially wanted to have a brother and sister, even if I could share a little bit. ”
Xiao Song accompanies his mother in the hospital
母亲动了3次手术，进了2次ICU，终于在两个月后出院回家，接下来是每三周一次的化疗。小宋请了两个护工，分别做饭和照顾母亲起居。
After a little leisure, her brain began to regurgitate her father's death. "I often have a nightmare that my dad tried to kill himself, and I saved him, and he killed himself, and I saved him, and so on, until I woke up."
She was diagnosed with severe anxiety and major depression. "I could only sleep four or five hours a day, lost more than a dozen pounds, lost a lot of hair, and started to have headaches as soon as I went out. I started taking antidepressants, but I was afraid that my mother would worry, so I said I couldn't sleep and prescribed some soothing medicine. Fortunately, after taking it for half a year, I am much better and can stop taking the medicine. ”
Xiao Song grew up in a happy family. "My parents are very kind, sincere, excellent people, they love each other very much, they love me very much, even to the point of doting. From childhood to adulthood, they would give me almost everything I wanted, and they would support all my decisions. ”
I thought that this happiness would last forever, but the death of her father and the cancer of her mother shattered her illusions. "Why would someone as kind as Dad suffer from depression for some reason? Mom pays great attention to health, goes to bed early and wakes up early, exercises every day, and eats very lightly, why does she get cancer? Is this fate? ”
The mother's cancer progressed quickly. It relapsed less than a year after the end of the first phase of chemotherapy. "I watched her get worse and worse. From the beginning of going out to take the subway, to only taking a taxi, to only walking around the community, to the end of the day can not get out of bed at all. Every day you understand that the moment is at its best, and that you better grasp the moment. ”
Looking back now, she is grateful to have been by her mother's side during that time. "We talked about everything, from the story of her youth, to reviewing every fight I had with her. For the first time, I felt that my relationship with my mother was so open. ”
经历多次复发与转移，小宋的母亲瘦到了只有90几斤。她坚持了三年半，最后在2024年一个夏日的深夜停止了呼吸。
"I wasn't really sad at the time. One is that I have been preparing for this moment for more than three years, and I have long accepted this ending; The second is that my mother was in too much pain, and the last thing she said was, 'It hurts, please let me die quickly', which was three days before she died. From that moment on, I secretly prayed that I would quickly free my mother, I didn't want to selfishly beg her to stay with me for a few more days. ”
Xiao Song now lives in Shanghai
The death of his parents completely changed the direction of Xiao Song's life. "I had planned to go to France or the United States after graduating from my bachelor's degree. Now that I'm working in Shanghai, I hardly go back to Chongqing, there's nothing to be nostalgic about, and I don't know where to go in the future. ”
In the new city, she didn't deliberately hide her family's affairs from the people around her. "When my new friends ask about my parents, I'll casually mention that oh, they're both gone. Everyone's reaction is unanimous, usually stunned for two seconds, then bowed and silent. My peers haven't experienced this kind of thing and don't know what to say. ”
"Some people have said to me, you are so strong, everything will be fine. I know they mean well, but I don't like the words, and I'm even a little angry. Don't I even have the right not to be strong? You haven't experienced it, why do you say that it will get better? ”
The day after her mother's death, Xiao Song read a poem that moved her very much
"All you can do are small things, such as loving time and missing your mother."
Sometimes she also comforts herself that the early death of her parents will also be a "good thing"? "At least you're free, you can go wherever you want, and you won't have to worry about providing for them anymore. And you don't have to worry about them dying anymore. During the three years when my mother was sick, what I was most afraid of was that a phone call would suddenly come in, because it might be that my mother had an emergency. ”
Before her parents died one after another, she fantasized about the death of her parents, "At that time, I thought that if my parents died, I would definitely not be able to bear it." But when the truth hits you on the head, you can only face it, and you will be surprised to find that you are stronger than you imagined. Now I often think that even if I can get through these things, what is really terrible about it except my own death? ”
Li Yunjun
There are tens of millions of young people like Xiao Song who have experienced the death of one or both parents in China. This is the "grief" researcher, Li Yunjun, a doctor of philosophy in the field of social welfare at the University of Hong Kong Chinese, based on the data estimated by the mortality rate of Chinese.
In 2014, 0-year-old Li Yunjun began to do bereavement research. In her words, the origin of this study is "selfishness" - she lost her mother in 0.
"On 25/0, while I was studying at school, I suddenly received a call from my brother and learned that my mother had suffered a stroke and was admitted to the hospital. By the time I rushed to the hospital, my mother had been admitted to the intensive care unit. For four days, my mother was in a coma, and I was allowed to stay at her bedside for only ten minutes a day. ”
"Even though I stubbornly refused to leave the hospital, even though I humbly prayed to all the gods I knew that my mother would wake up, four days later, I still lost my beloved mother."
"After the funeral, I continued my postgraduate studies at Fudan University as normal, took the IELTS test, and successfully applied for a doctoral student at the University of Chinese Hong Kong. In fact, my grief never 'passed'. ”
What made Li Yunjun even more chilling was that his father began to go on a blind date three months later. "During the Spring Festival half a year after my mother's death, a sister-in-law suddenly said to me, Jun Jun, you have to accept that aunt, she is very good. I didn't know what was going on at all, there was a feeling of betrayal, when I was so miserable, it turned out that you had forgotten your mother, and you were actually on a blind date. ”
She felt isolated. "I want to know what death, bereavement and grief are all about; I wonder where my mother is now, and how she is doing. I couldn't forget her, or let her go, and I didn't know how to live alone. I want to find an answer for myself. ”
Li Yunjun once "hated" himself because of his mother's death
She called the study a gamble and "had no idea if other bereaved people could be found."
At first, she cast a wide net in a network of acquaintances. As a result, friends either don't know the bereaved person, or they do, but are too embarrassed to ask. "In our social culture, it's not normative to talk openly about grief."
In the end, she posted an open recruitment letter on the official account, and 25 bereaved people signed up within a few days. "In fact, many people need an outlet for expression, but they can't find a channel." She interviewed 0 of them, including 0 in Living with Grief, who were bereaved at an average age of 0 and interviewed at 0 years old. To her surprise, many of the interviewees spoke out about their experiences for the first time.
In 19, Li Yunjun experienced a serious car accident, the bone in her left face was broken, the left brain was hemorrhaged, and she was hospitalized for 0 days, which made her think more deeply about the meaning of life
Bereavement research is not the mainstream, both in China and in the West, and even fewer studies focus on young people. "Many people think that when you are in your twenties, you are not a child, and you can take on all this, and others have no grief support or space for you. You also feel as if you should be a little stronger. ”
"For the age of fifty, you already have more stable things, such as family, career, meaning of life, and your life sustenance has all been established. The impact of a parent's death may be a little less. ”
"But in your twenties, especially in Chinese, you are not completely separated from your parents, and before you are ready for your parents to die, you directly lose your most important emotional and attached objects, and this loss will have a significant impact on the way you see the world, life and relationships."
Li Yunjun commemorated his mother in the circle of friends, the little fox was hand-sewn by his mother, and the little pig was customized by Li Yunjun, with his mother's birthday written on his chest
When he was in Hong Kong, Li Yunjun never mentioned his mother to the people around him. "I'm scared of what my classmates will think of me behind my back. Although every year I commemorate my mom in the circle of friends, I will not say it directly, leaving a small obscure clue. ”
Nearly every one of her researchers, like her, hides bereavement deeply. When talking about the death of a parent, most people don't just say "die", but rather "leave" or "pass away", or use neutral words like "thing" instead.
Li Yunjun engraving on iPad: Time won't work (Time won't heal)
12 years ago, Mr. Qi's father was killed on his way home. When he was an undergraduate, he plucked up the courage to mention this sad incident to his roommate, but he didn't expect his roommate to be a little impatient. Since then, he has been reluctant to open up to his peers again.
Ms. Chan's father died of lung cancer. In order not to irritate her mother's emotions, she tried to avoid mentioning her father in front of her mother, and when she went back to her hometown cemetery to see her father, she was also alone. As a result of hiding her grief in this way, one day her mother cautiously asked her, "Aren't you sad when Daddy is gone?" "Miss Chen was a little angry at the time, what do you want me to do? If I'm still very sad and can't control it, who will our family rely on?
Ms. Kong's mother warned her not to take the initiative to say that her father had passed away during the blind date. "There are often some requirements for mate selection in the blind date program, such as not wanting a single-parent family, and losing a father will be seen as a disadvantage."
Grief is hidden, but it never ends. "We usually think that there is a time limit for grief, and that you should come out a year or two after the funeral. However, in the interview, I found that there are 5 parents who have passed away for more than 0 years, but they still feel very painful. In fact, grief is love, and you will grieve as long as you love someone. ”
Li Yunjun
In grief research, most scholars regard "grief" as a purely emotional problem, such as recurrent suicidal thoughts, anxiety and restlessness, and hopelessness...... But she found that the dimensions of grief are actually much broader.
"For example, there will be some 'cognitive disorder'. The progress of modern medicine has made people expect their parents to live at least seventy or eighty years old to accompany them through the stages of starting a family, getting married, and having children. After the death of parents, everyone's original cognition is broken, and they will first want to find a 'scapegoat', which may be the parents themselves, themselves, the hospital, and finally blame fate. But in fact, there is no one to blame in death. ”
"A lot of people will go after the meaning of their parents' deaths. In Western theory, one of the important points is whether you can find benefits in loss, such as positive personal growth, which is very helpful for the bereaved to accept grief. ”
"But I found that in the Chinese context, it doesn't work, and they are very resistant to that, and they can accept the benefits to their families, such as the fact that their parents are finally free, or the benefits to a medical career, but they are not willing to accept the benefits for themselves."
Li Yunjun once happened to see a mother's grave in England, and the words on it touched her very much, "You will always be in our hearts"
The dimension of grief also includes the change of the identity of young people. Who am I? How will I spend the rest of my life?
"Many people have repeatedly mentioned how they used to plan their lives according to their parents' expectations, so that their parents were happy and satisfied, which is also what they believe is the value of life. But when their parents pass away, especially if it is someone who is closer to them, young children suddenly find themselves confused, lose their motivation to work hard, and lose themselves. ”
Insecurity is also a key word in the lives of bereaved children. After the death of her mother, Miss Zheng always consciously prevented herself from falling in love with someone in particular. Because only in this way can she alleviate the unbearable grief when her partner dies. "If I invest too much in a person, what do I do if he dies?"
Actor Tan Songyun talked about his mother's death in a car accident on a variety show
Many of the subjects of Li Yunjun's research are only children, and the impact they will experience will be even stronger. "I'll be lucky, because I have a half-brother who is much older than me, and he'll be in front, and I can let myself cry at the funeral. As for only children, when they see that another parent is very broken, they must suppress their grief and must complete the task of the whole funeral process well. ”
"An only child will be afraid of the death of another parent and will consciously take care of it. Many young people may have given up on the arrangement of studying for a master's degree, or even if the financial situation is not good, they will choose to bring their parents with them and bear a lot of financial pressure. ”
When he was a Ph.D. student, Li Yunjun wrote down his expectations for a class on bereavement
"I want to know how to live with grief. My grief doesn't seem to stop, the people I love don't come back, and I suffer every day. ”
There are also significant differences between men and women in bereavement experiences. "Of the 11 interviewees, 0 were women and only 0 were men. In fact, in the whole social science research, women's participation is higher. ”
"Women are more likely to vent their emotions. Men are not very good at crying, and among the 11, there is only one who can't cry. In fact, the man's expression is also very painful, and there are a lot of emotions in it, but he will not directly vent it with crying. ”
"In a state of emergency, men will be angry, they will be angry with themselves, even their deceased parents, how can you walk away on your own? It's as if parents have a choice. But women rarely feel angry. ”
In terms of the expectation of intimacy, the man will want to bear it alone and carry this matter, and his grief will be transformed into being kind to his children in the future. And women will start to ask in this experience, why should I devote myself to a marriage, to a family? Especially if it is the mother who dies and the father remarries soon. ”
After finishing the internship, Li Yunjun dyed her pink hair to celebrate
Before doing research, Li Yunjun also had expectations that maybe after finishing his research, he would look at the world differently, and his emotions would be greatly relieved. "But I'm disappointed, I still feel miserable, I still refuse to accept my mother's death, her death is unfair, I refuse to accept the saying 'she's gone, you have to live well', but I accept my disappointment."
In the course of her research, she also realized that she was willing to be a companion to other grieving people. Recently, she completed an internship at a bereavement counselling organisation in Hong Kong for people of all ages. "In addition to the bereavement of young people, bereavement at different stages of life needs to be paid attention to, miscarriage, loss of single parents, widowhood ......"
"During this internship, it was physically and mentally painful, but the mind felt happy, and it was confirmed that this was what I wanted to do."
Q: A piece A: Li Yunjun
Q: What are the stages of grief that you divide into? What are the performances?
A: I divide grief into three periods: the first manifestation of grief, when the news of the death of a parent is digested and the funeral is performed, and the reaction of the collapse does not appear immediately; During the period of intense grief, it may not be until more than a month after the funeral, when the grief reaction erupts; In the post-grief period, the intensity of grief is more gentle, and the frequency is not so intense, but because we cannot let go of the deceased, and because of the influence of the environment, this grief will continue to circulate.
Of course, this division is only an observational perspective, not an absolute one – everyone's grief journey is unique and has its own rhythm and trajectory.
Q: If I have experienced bereavement, how can I "save myself"? How to live with grief?
A: First of all, remember that grief is not a disease, it does not need to be healed. Grief is love because we want to continue to love our parents, even if they are gone.
There are some "risk factors" that we can do and avoid in all three stages of grief:
For the people around them, the bereaved may have to do a "educational" job, because most people don't care about you, but don't know how to do it. For example, when I am with my husband, if I miss my mother today and I cry, I will tell him, you should come and hug me now, you can ask me, what do you think of your mother, what kind of person is your mother. You don't need to solve my problems, but I need you to hear my grief.
Q: What should I and shouldn't do if my friend has experienced bereavement?
A: We rely too much on language and want to be with the bereaved by saying something. In fact, we can try to let go of the language and change to the way of doing.
For example, if your friend's parents have passed away, are you willing to take time out to spend with them? TA is busy at the time of the funeral, will you have something to share? If you are here, at least one person whom they know is here, and they will probably feel a little more at ease. After the funeral, would you be willing to have dinner with him? Accompany him for a seat?
I have an example of a bereaved person I know who was with him for several days after experiencing the death of a loved one. In the end, the two of them ran together on the beach, and halfway through the run, the bereaved person's emotions began to explode strongly and began to cry, and TA's friend didn't say anything, just sat next to him and cried with him, silently accepting TA's emotions.
Try not to say so-called words of encouragement, such as "mourning and change", "it will be fine". This kind of words seem to be comforting, but in fact, they are judging and blocking the grief of the bereaved.
Source: One