Taking children to ride bicycles in the community, we parents were terrified on the side, and reminded from time to time:

"Keep to the right, stay on the right, awkwardly twisting around!"

"Look at the road, don't wrestle!"

"Ride slowly, don't ride side by side! Don't bump into each other! ”

"Alas~~ Pay attention to the brakes! Look at the passers-by! ”

They sweat all over their bikes, and I don't ride and sweat all over my body – cold sweats. I'm afraid that a reminder is not in place, and the child will have another accident.

I asked the aunt next to me, "We rode bicycles when we were kids, so we didn't let parents worry so much, did we?" ”

The aunt said dismissively: "When you were young? Who cares about you! I was able to go out to school on time and come home before eating......"

Yes, why are parents now generally exhausted raising their children?

Because all the energy is on the child, we take too much care of such small things.

I am afraid that my own children will not be serious, either hurting myself or hurting other people's children; I am afraid that other children will not have a sense of proportion, and my own children will be injured for no reason.

Too much management can indeed prevent the child from making some mistakes, but at the same time, it also hinders his development.

01

It's just a casual play after school, and so much "attention" pops up.

In ordinary life, parents put this kind of "attention" everywhere, which leads to various problems for their children.

1. "Excessive attention" in play, making it difficult for children to focus

As mentioned above, when the child is immersed in the ride, we interrupt frequently, desperately trying to let them know what they are not doing well, give what they think is better, and chatter so that the child simply cannot focus on his own behavior.

This phenomenon also occurs when children are concentrating on a certain toy and flipping through the books they are interested in.

2. "Excessive attention" in learning destroys children's internal motivation

Nowadays, parents pay the most attention to their studies.

When children come home from school, the first words of many parents are "what homework to leave" and "let's go to learn homework first"; After writing the school homework, you also have to complete the "mom card homework": test papers, tutoring materials, online learning and other additional learning tasks.

In this process, the children will receive more "guidance":

In order to let the child do well, supervise and assist on the side;

In order to make him make fewer mistakes, remind him over and over again;

In order to keep children from taking detours, arrange learning tasks in advance.

Adults are always "meddling", making children mistakenly think that "learning is not my own business", so that they lack a sense of autonomy.

This kind of excessive attention makes parents overstep their responsibilities and at the same time discourage their children's enthusiasm for learning.

This is how many children's internal motivation is destroyed. Without internal motivation, children will not take the initiative to learn.

In learning, parents can do very little, and the results of learning ultimately depend on the children themselves, so that children realize that learning is something they can control more than anything else;

There is a lot that parents can do in learning how to "learn", creating a good experience for their children, caring for their children's focus and interests, all of which are testing the wisdom of parents.

3. "Excessive attention" in life weakens children's "sense of self-worth"

accidentally spilling milk;

soiling clothes;

Drop the grain of rice when eating;

Children's small problems can always be exchanged for the chatter of their parents, so their energy is all consumed on such small things.

The question is, is this kind of guidance and correction needed by the child?

should have focused on how to do one thing well, but always faced his own little mistakes in self-blame and panic:

"I don't seem to be able to do anything", "I'm always making mistakes"......

Not only that, but in life, parents' "excessive attention" is also reflected in "making choices for their children".

Under the pretext of "for your own good", thinking that the child "you are still young, you don't understand yet", and imposing your own will on the child:

How can you not eat eggs? Eggs are nutritious!

Your pen is not good, what's the use of looking good? Mom chose this one!

Don't choose white clothes, they are not resistant to dirt!

What parents think is "good for the child", but what the child feels is a kind of neglect and denial.

Children will think, "My feelings are not important", "My thoughts are not important", and their sense of self-worth will become lower and lower.

02

If raising a child makes you exhausted, the child calls for mom when something happens, and retreats when it encounters a challenge, then in the process of parenting, the parents must have "crossed the line".

1. Less intrusion into the child's feelings

A netizen shared his experience: When she was a child, her mother was afraid that she would catch a cold, so she always liked to bathe her with very hot water.

She would say every time, "The water is too hot". But my mother said every time: "I don't think it's hot at all, I tried it, it's fine, it's cold when I wash it......"

The so-called cold and warm self-know, whether the water is hot or not, the child says it doesn't count, the parents say it.

Whether the food is good or not, the children say it doesn't count, the parents say it.

Whether you like interest classes/stationery/clothes or not, what the child says doesn't count, what the parents say.

Even if you feel love or not, parents have the final right to explain: I am for your good, I do this because I love you.

If parents only think from their own perspective and deny their children's thoughts and feelings, children will close their hearts and no longer trust their parents in self-doubt.

We can only truly see children when we crouch down and see the world of children.

The child's current feelings do not need to be corrected.

The child's toys were picked up by the children to play, and the children didn't feel anything, and they didn't feel "bullied".

"He's got your toy, you're coming back! You can't be bullied like this! ”

Conversely, when children do not lend their toys to other children, they will be taught:

"You have to learn to share! Toys are the most fun when two people play together. ”

In many cases, it is the parents who are feeling for their children.

Only by respecting children's own feelings and letting children make decisions according to their own wishes can we let children live their vitality and self.

2. Less "guidance" and encourage children to try and make mistakes

One blogger shared that he felt that he was an adult who respected children and did not criticize children much until he saw his own surveillance content.

Once, my son was practicing stir-frying.

I didn't criticize or yell at it, but what I said to my son was:

"This is not right, you have to cut it smaller, or it will not be easy to cook."

"That's not right, you have to scramble eggs first, then fry tomatoes."

"Wait, you can't do this, you have to go low, or the oil will spill out."

……

The camera wasn't close to the kitchen, so I couldn't see my son's expression at that time, but when I looked back at the video, I could feel the suffocation. I pointed out and gave guidance that the child didn't need at all.

Adults, I really love guidance, and I think that guidance is a norm, a kind of experience based on thirty or forty years of life.

When a child wants to try something new, parental guidance follows, often accompanied by stops and accusations.

The essence is to say: you are wrong, I am right, only I know how to do this, this thing can only be done.

Right and wrong are just the standards set by "adults", even if you are not an adult, you are the previous "adult".

It is most meaningful to let the child try out which way is better, and even bring unexpected breakthroughs.

Parents give their children enough room for trial and error, and "kindly remind them", "give guidance", and "pay attention next time" can save money.

Even if your child does something wrong, you can summarize it with your child afterwards, and they will consciously pay attention to it.

3. Less intervention and leave the child blank

The Soviet educator Sukhomlinsky once said:

"In the process of children's growth, the most important thing parents should do is to let go, let them try what they want to try, and create an environment for children to develop freely, only in this way can children grow up better."

After becoming a mother, I always feel that I am busy chattering every day and have no time for myself.

What is the time to be truly yourself?

It is the time when you can arrange independently, have the opportunity to talk to yourself, and discover what you need in your heart.

It's the same for children.

In the process of getting bigger and bigger, you need to have free time to get along with yourself and your friends.

That is to say, in a day, children need to be separated from the arrangement and guidance of teachers and parents, and from good encouragement or bad criticism.

He needs to experience what it means to be happy, fulfilling, lost, and sad, so as to think about what is happiness, fulfillment, and self-confidence, so as to achieve a happy and happy life.

No one can replace these.

Parents grasp the boundaries well, will assist, will guide, but do not intervene too much, in order to give enough space for children to "grow savagely".

4. Parents take care of themselves

Jaspers said: "The essence of education is that one tree shakes another, one cloud pushes another, one soul awakens another. ”

In fact, it is saying that in order to educate children well, parents must first do their best.

Excessive attention will not only make children psychologically stressed, but also make parents more anxious and tired.

Everyone's time is limited every day, and the time is used to pay attention to the children, and not enough attention to themselves.

An exhausted parent is unlikely to do the child any good.

On the contrary, parents can take care of themselves and manage themselves well, so that they can lead their children to become better.

It is the parents' characteristics, lifestyle, and thinking and cognition that can influence their children more.

Have a plan for the future, constantly improve your work skills, and increase your income;

Able to do a good job in parent-child relationship, husband and wife relationship and other interpersonal relationships in daily life;

Have a healthy lifestyle, exercise more, eat healthy and nutritious food, and have scientific work and rest habits;

Have a growth mindset, don't use "I won't" and "I don't understand" to escape, and have the courage to try to make changes;

Have independent thinking and problem-solving skills.

▽

A good parent is one who pays attention and lets go at the same time.

"Don't worry too much about your child."

This not only gives the child the space to solve problems on his own, but also shows that he has patience and confidence, which is the most beneficial for his development.